Why you need to ditch mom guilt
I’m about to tell you something I bet you’ll all understand.
In the world before COVID, when I had a small and helpless baby, I felt really bad leaving my daughter to go to work every day.
Do I think I’d be a rockin’ stay at home mamma? Nope. Did I have a multitude of activities ready to play with her when we’re home on the weekends? Nope. Does she seem happy and like she’s learning at daycare? Absolutely.
Then why do I still feel so guilty?
I think I still haven’t gotten over leaving her in the early days. You know, those times when it feels like you’ve left a limb behind when you leave the baby for an hour? Leaving her at daycare while I went to work at first was excruciating. Not because it was all sunshine and roses when we were home all day – she didn’t nap her first year and we both cried. Nope.
But because I was her protector, her nourishment, and she was still so small and helpless. I was the one who was supposed to be there no matter what. It physically hurt to leave her overnight if I had to travel.
Now, she’s a fully functioning human, even if she does still need help to brush her teeth. And yet, some of that guilt still lingers.
Now that I’m home with another baby, and our preschooler has been home for five months, the guilt has changed. I no longer worry about leaving them all day {because let’s face it, we’ve been together every. single. day. for five months} but I now worry they’re not getting the enrichment that comes from socialization, or seeing people who aren’t me.
My point with telling you all about my mom guilt is to let you in on two little secrets.
1. ALL moms have mom guilt. Whether you’re a SAHM, a working mom, a mom of one, two, three, or five kids. We all have mom guilt. And it manifests differently. As a mom working in a corporate office, I was always worried about leaving my baby. As a mom who has been fully responsible (along with my rockstar husband) for the enrichment and care of two kids for months on end, I worry that I’m not enough. No matter where you are in your motherhood journey, we all face those feelings.
2. It DOES get easier.
The best news is, I can officially say that the guilt gets better. As hard as it is to leave your little one at first, or as bad as you feel about whatever it is that’s plaguing you this week, It WILL get easier. When my daughter was an infant I asked my male boss when it stopped physically hurting to travel and leave your child. He looked at me like I had four heads. (Guess that doesn’t happen to dads?)
After we weaned and I was no longer breastfeeding, a lot of my guilt around travel eased. And then I was actually excited to get some alone time before my second little one arrived.
Now, as a mom of two, I know that we’re all just doing the best we can. I feel slightly less guilty about letting our preschooler watch two movies on a Saturday. And I don’t really sweat it if the baby is entertained by Cinderella III for 30 minutes. I know that they’ll still both be healthy and happy if the TV is on while I sit down to write an email.
And, if you’re leaving your baby in childcare while you work, there are a few things you can do to make it easier on yourself NOW. You don’t have to wait until your kid is two to feel better about your choices.
Here are some of the best things to do to ease the guilt of being away from your little one.
Get to know your caregiver really well. If you have in-home care you’ve probably already done extensive research on that person. (And if you haven’t yet, please do!)
If you’re using a daycare facility, head to the back to school night. Yes, they have these for infants too. Ours looks a little different this year due to COVID, but I’m still going while the kids stay home with their dad. This is even more important now to get to know your children’s caregivers since you may or may not be allowed in your daycare center regularly.
Ask for updates. Guys, I still look at the daycare app 10x a day. They track naps, bathroom breaks and send photos — and I just can’t quit. And I was WAY worse in the beginning. If you’re using a nanny, have them install a baby tracker app on their phone so you can get real-time updates throughout the day without calling every 10 minutes.
We use one actually called baby tracker and it is awesome. I used it the entire first year for all her sleep, diapers and feedings.
Focus on quality time versus quantity. If you’re not with your baby all day it’s just a fact that their caregiver at school will probably see them more than you will. Try not to dwell on that, and be present in the times you’re together. Put down your phone. Don’t worry about the dishes until after the little is in bed.
Squeeze the very most out of the time you have together. This is good practice for when they’re older because the need to spend quality time with your child isn’t something that will ever change.
I wrote about this on the blog, so If you’re battling mom guilt, feel free to check out How to Deal with Working Mom Guilt.
Awesome things you may like:
My list is short this week, but if you have an infant and are still tracking feeding and diapers, this is a must-have.
You’ll love the Baby Tracker App. It’s an awesome app that tracks everything from feeding intervals, to diaper changes, sleep, and medicine. There’s also a place for height and weight tracking, and other milestones. It was literally the most-used app on my phone our daughter’s first year, and I look at it approximately 75 times a day again with baby #2.
